“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
It has been a little over a month since I dropped a big load of reality on you… so I thought I’d update you….. Enjoy!
What does true happiness and freedom look like?
Right this second, it would look something like me. I have never been happier or felt so free as I do right now. You are probably wondering why and how?
I haven’t been shooting xxx movies for a couple months now, but I have wrote a book, started my second one, and began a journey of healing in that time. I was hoping that I would take a couple weeks to a month off from shooting, while I had time to relax and write, then return to LA. That is exactly NOT what happened. LOL
I left LA shortly after I started to break down. I wouldn’t call it a burn out, but it was damn near close to that. I have been battling anxiety and depression for some time now. Through lots of medical marijuana and a very promiscuous life style I was able to ignore a lot of the problems that needed to be resolved. One day I woke up and realized that’s not how I wanted my life to be like, especially if I wanted to become the woman I desire to be one day. Luckily, after a recent long 6 day vacation, I feel like I am so close.
Not only did I have time to reflect and correct, but I got to learn and apply in a safe environment. I am so thankful for the people that have helped me in this rough patch.
I am very excited for my future. I feel so confident now, so sure of myself, and very inspired. A new beginning is now at my doorstep. I can either close the door and ignore the opportunities that lay ahead. OR I can open the door with confidence and walk down the path of the unknown with my head held high. I think the second one sounds better!
You know that saying, “don’t burn bridges because you never know when you will need to cross it again?” Well there are some bridges that need to be burned and some that need to be well protected. Yes I have dealt with a lot of scum bags in the 3 years of being an adult entertainer, but I have also come across some really amazing people as well. That being said, I still haven’t decided if I want to come back to being a full time porn chick, but I do know this wonderful world of erotic pleasure is part of me now. I may not be on Paul Cantor’s “top 100 pornstars” list, but I am very loved by my dear fans. That, my friend, is what matters the most.
“One is truly free when they are the master of their own mind.” -Unknown
I have discovered this quote to be so true in the last couple weeks. I had so much doubt, and “what if” thinking going through my head it was pathetic. The worst part about it is I let it get the best of me. Not once but twice did I try to take my own life. It is a very scary place to be in…. I hope you don’t ever have to go down that road, hence why I am opening up and being so RAW for you. I got to the point where I didn’t care anymore! I didn’t even care about the people that would mourn my death every year on the same day. Never did I want to go there or even be able to understand what it feels like to want to kill myself. It’s shitty. It happened and I survived.
“Happiness is an inside job!” -John Powell
After going to the dark side, I was able to see the light.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to see and appreciate what you really have. Life is one big roller coaster for me, it always has been and it might continue to be. This time though, I am a little more prepared. Nothing is worth taking your life. Not a big debt, a lover, a dead cat, or even doing porn instead of going to college to be a nurse. NONE of that is as important as my life.
I am currently writing a book, again. It is going to be a memoir of my life leading up to porn and my new beginning. I hope you will support & buy it once it comes out in many months to come. I don’t want to write an essay, but I hope you were able to understand this rant.
Until next time,